Where you headed to?

Friday, 2 December 2016

Andy.

I had to return all my borrowed books on 3rd of June because my card was going to expire. So today was important. I had a goal. Only one thing on my to-do list, this needed to be done. It was to jot down all the content that i needed, self-notes, inspiring-notes, reminders, words that made me understand 'whats going on' around me, transfer them from book to notebook, for future reference when im back in KL. and i had 10 thick tiny sized font books to go through (again).
(side story, by the time i carried all the books to the table, i could barely write because of giving my hands do 300 push ups)

Note to self: do it straight away the first time.


Thats not really the story. I was lining up to buy coffee at starbucks around the corner of my uni. This place was always busy. I ordered the same caramel machiatto, waited to watch the barista squeeze the caramel drizzle and handing the white cup to me. It took particularly long this time. There was a cup already on the counter and it had the name Mike on it.

To my left, was a white haired old man wearing one of the old-people caps, a flat cap. He too was waiting for his coffee. I gave him a glance and asked umMike?

"oh no, thats not me, mine is not mike, but youve given me a new name"

I just nodded as if what he said to me actually made sense, feeling kind of embarrassed because of both reasons, not having a clue what he's saying and him not being Mike.

His drink arrived 2 seconds before mine. I was able to catch his name, in black marker, scribbled the name: Napoleon. Sort of a human instant reflex thing, I glanced to look at this old man again to check if he looked like a Napoleon dude and he caught me looking.

He let a out an amusing laugh, and i gave a whats-so-funny look. I blurted out N-na-napoleon?

He picked up his coffee, and said to me in a this-is-a-secret kind of tone (it was the cutest), with like eyes popping out serious-you-better-believe-me feature across his face.

Little lady, heres a lesson on life, i never give my real name to anything or anybody! You never know these days what they can do with your name, steal anything. Its so scary. So i never give my real name! Everyday i have to decide on one name to use if i want to order coffee or anything.

(in my head: oh mike makes sense now/ youve got to be joking/ he reminds me of my grandmother) 

So today, you decided to be Napoleon? Thats a good one. 

What did you write on your cup?

NISA. Thats my name.

Oh little lady, thats a very nice name. But dont give your real one!

 I will keep that in mind next time. You have a nice day Napoleon!

You too little lady. be careful!

 Then I turned around to the sugar-packet-stirring station. Suddenly, a voice kind of unexpectedly jumped me from the back.

 Little lady, my name is Andy. Bye-bye now.




(Anisah, 5th June 2016)







Saturday, 5 March 2016

Life and London



Where do I start? I think this post is going to be in the nutshell type and ill write a separate and in depth stories individually, ones about what i learnt/got inspired by or that benefitted me somehow in any way.

London, London, London. 
Back in Malaysia, its not that i didnt give 100% of myself in everything that i do. But the things i face here is incredibly bigger and tougher. I thought A-levels was tough, but being artistic or attempting to be creative has been the biggest thing ive faced.

I search for a bigger mind. A bigger view. A bigger problem to challenge myself.



You know its easy to say i want to give all that i can. I want to be passionate. I want to be a designer. So what? Just chase your dream? Its not that simple, the work is really hard but its not a problem. Everyday my design classes are give-everything-you-have or dont be here.
I was in science stream in high school and a mix of both science and business in college. A whole lot of books and go find answers it was, i was the lazy type who had to put triple the normal amount of study. Trust me i did work hard, i very much understand how hard studies can get.

Here they teach the discipline how of things can be done, like they teach you the skill to life-draw but you have to find your way of drawing, every class outcome is usually a surprise! Everything else, the development of that skill is absolutely up to you. Its like they only give me buckets and shovels, its up to me of how i build my sandcastle, how high i want it, how big, how mystical.
Its very anti-establishment. You have to be hardworking to work hard. They teach to expand your mind and your homework? Is to expand your mind.  Then, leave you to get on with it, can you handle such freedom? Most people need structure etc.


Its indeed great when you can get a different perspective of something. It becomes a ground breaking moment. Back in Malaysia, yes i get acknowledge for thinking from a different perspective. Back then, i thought one different perspective was it. Little did i know, its only a start of something bigger.
Here, im required to think and consider the whole 360 view. Just imagine there are things that have 359 angles i dont agree/like on but i have to push myself to see, change my ways to figure, forget my opinions to understand. This can only be regarding ONE thing. and i usually have 60 things more or less to think about in a normal day. 

Its a whole lot harder when youre in a foreign country. Don't worry there is a good part in this. But being in a foreign country, just saying your name, making your name in a world. A world you just realized got a whole lot bigger, can be frightening. I never wanted to create a "new" me, every year a person's resolution is a "new" me, right? i never wanted that. Im proud of all the mistakes ive made and im not afraid of making them even more. Im not afraid to be nervous in saying where i come from and what i believe in or go infront of class and say out my views outloud. That nervous feeling, thats when i know, that this shit is scary, im nervous because its like a bigger step. My words are trembling infront of my classmates because ive never said "i personally think that.....", but my voice is out. Ive pushed myself. So, that nervousness becomes a symbol of what im doing is right. 
Im pushing myself.


Theres so many things to learn, so many aspects to accentuate. Ive never been so thirsty to be buried in knowledge and dont go thinking "Wat she learn, art paint draw is it", no hahaha. I learn 20s to 90s history - interpret them:  the way the people think and lived, cultures, subcultures, dressing, movies and much more , i want to understand contemporary - modernise, theres just so many many many things, mentally and physically! Fashion is the outcome i chose to express my "art", but before it gets anywhere near to a garment, theres a whole lot more, bigger things that must be taken accounted for. 
I have my fun days like concerts, hanging out but fashion is an EXTREMELY competitive environment and you have to put in the work. Ive had uncountable sleepless nights and to some extent would only live on doritos just because i forget to eat. 

Out of this, I want to become a person that went through so much hardship, i have moments to tell of. A person who really knows how to express something. A person telling you something new. And whatever your learning, know that each person has their own time and way of learning something. Really, everyone's process is different. I do not want to not be strong enough to be confident. But to be strong enough to show you my scars barefaced. Pinkdurian is about expressing and embracing the raw side of you.


In a nutshell of this nutshell, ive been very busy. The choices i make is based only on ME. Always keeping in mind that everything I want to do is not a problem :)

So London? Its difficult in every way but I am loving every damn bit of it.
 




Friday, 23 October 2015

LFW SNAPS by Abiola Renee

Photos shot by @abiolarenee. When I met her, she just gave me that instant love. 
Abiola, of who she is and what she captures, is one of the reasons why I love London. 
To have met you makes my heart so happy!
Hope you reach GREATER heights! (you got it all goin giiiiirlll!!!!)




Deets: Vintage bomber jacket from a thrift shop / Zara turtleneck / Lovisa necklace / Topshop jeans / Adidas originals brewery pack / Miista backpack


Saturday, 10 October 2015

Dazed x Balmain: Short Video!

Its definitely a non-professional, RAW video. I was very IN the MOMENT.
So heres a short clip of the bits that I had!


Dazed & Confused Magazine x Balmain : THE PROCESS

28th of October: Took my 5 hours to write the caption

I remember scrolling pass the post, I thought to myself "Oh this is so cool! Impossible though but God, i love Balmain", swipes finger. Later that day, my friend, Shakira Said told me to just go for it, you'll never know, maybe its your luck. I finished class at 12.30 and went straight to my uni's IT room to finish up some work.




1.30PM: i am hungry, but lets do the Balmain contest and ill permit myself to leave. So I started brainstorming, I read DAZED's post religiously for more than 3 times atleast just to understand what this contest is all about and wrote down Olivier's quotes that I adore. Then I started to find connections between me and Balmain which lead to making a rough tester. Just to get a headstart and an angle I want to project my answer with.


You know the computer working chair that goes up and down round and round, I just sat in that, swirling and thinking, looking at the words on paper, refining my description of Balmain. I think PRISM was the groundbreaking point. Everything fitted into place from there. It was a constant thinking process till i felt satisfied and an EXACT translation of my thoughts and emotions into words.

I finished by 6.30pm in a proud state. To a point where these were beautiful written words, dont care if I don't win, THIS DESERVES TO BE OUT THERE NEVERTHELESS.


Post!

29th of October
Checks the dazed website again, it says they announce on Tuesday right? yessssss..but..they haven't announced. Hmm probably they already have contacted the winner. Still proud of what I put out there. Coolies.

30th of October
At 12pm, class just ended and I was packing my bags, my phone was in my back pocket and it went tiiing! Wasnt in a rush to pull it out or anything but before I put my jacket on, decided to give it a check.

@Dazedmagazine commented: Please check your DMs! x



SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP NO NO. THIS CANT BE HAPPENING. I became an instant jelly and I couldnt feel my legs, my bum kissed the floor and there I was on the cold hard ground, shaking. Placed my hand on my mouth to stop a scream from escaping.



After I read the DM I cried. Literally. It was so shocking, too DIFFICULT to process, like exactly how do you tell yourself your flying to paris in less than 12 hours for BALMAIN.

BALMAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It didnt feel real at ALL. Not a little bit. Called my mum to tell her the news, and to even tell her the news was hard to say because my brain zoned out. These words were unbelievable. It didnt sound real coming from my mouth. It's not real. When nobody was passing in the hallway I just made little jumps of spasm of WHAT WHAT HOLYCRAP WHAT. OMG. OMG
 Called my sister to tell her I'm taking her with me and she calmly replied "I dont understand what your saying but I heard paris so oookay"

I skipped back home from the tube at 4PM, opened my door, and let out caaan youu believeeee were going to parisssss!!!!! She went, what did you win again?  
Calmly: we. are. invited. TO. THE BALMAINSS16SHOWTOMORROWINPARISSSSSS!
She stood up put her hands on her head, NO WAY. IT CANT BE, ITS STILL MILAN FASHION WEEK NO.
I went, YES!! and we went into this phase of trying to process the impossible with mini shrieking in between and a constant repetition of the phrase "is this real are u sure this is real".
My sister: wont believe till the tickets are printed out. thats when maybe, i can believe a little. Then we just spent the night choosing our outfits and hyperventilating till we were exhausted.


lots of fullstops, commas, capital letters, deliberately to give you the jumpy short of breath kinda feel
xx Anisah




Next,
Dazed & Confused Magazine x Balmain : Paris, The Show & Meeting Olivier Rousteing.




Thursday, 7 May 2015

note to self.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy,
a quickening that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all of time,
this expression is unique.
And if you block it,
it will never exist through any other medium
and it will be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how valuable
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly,
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep yourself open and aware
to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open. …
No artist is pleased.
There is no satisfaction or whatever at any time.
There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes us more alive than the others!!! 

- Martha graham

Saturday, 2 May 2015

Don't be afraid of failure.


Amongst my friends and to some people who have known me for years or have been following me for sometime, may know me that I am capable to do an interview because i do love doing them, or generally a talking kinda thing. It is what Pinkdurian portrays anyway, to be confident and you may assume, I always possess that composure at anything i face. But I legitimately screwed an interview. When I say screw, I mean by I regret every single word, literally feel deep in my heart that I've done better, could not process my thoughts instantly and the answer's I've been preparing could not exit my mouth. Which equals to not having confidence

It was a second phase interview for a university I wanted, not going to go into details. But basically what happened was the worst.
The interviewer, I'll name him Mr. Rick, was just asking basic questions like "what's your ambition", "why you wanna do this course" yada yada. I honestly just froze, I've been preparing for this interview for quite a long time. So during the interview (it was about a one hour interview), I just mumbled words, could not finish a sentence (Like saying bits by bits, not really making sense), not giving a CLEAR definitive answer and as I knew this was going downslope, I broke down slightly suddenly and kept apologising. (YES TEARS IN AN INTERVIEW, now I seem like begging instead of being well composed of myself). But Mr.Rick was like "never say sorry, tears show that this is important to you, it's beautiful to be passionate". I quickly took deep breaths and went on talking about my ambitions and suggested things I want to contribute to the industry and society. Then after the whole emotional shabang, Mr. Rick played pshyco with me, I know he wanted to actually just test me if I stand in what I believe in and if I have individuality, I passed that though (thank God) cause I kept backfiring him, disagreeing with him and being firm with my statement. I got in, but not the course I targeted. Though I have faith in Mr. Rick, Im sure he knows what's best for me.

To this day, I talk to myself saying all the things I should've said. I wish I was kidding but I am not. Practicing over and over again for nothing, for my own satisfaction. Although its crazy. In the shower, laying down on my bed, when I'm alone, I practice giving the answers I was supposed to say. This my friend, is regret. You know if you're depressed you watch a chicflick, go crazy for candy or like go out with friends? This is what I do when I know I wasn't confident.


However, failure give's me excitement for the next failure ill encounter. I know now that the next failure I go through, will be a smaller degree than this. Meaning like, ill face the failure easier. That comforts me a little. And having a short getaway to London and Prague cheered me up and gave me inspiration to keep going. It's hard to accept that you failed at something you were so prepared for. Im not always confident in the moment, but I definitely become even more confident getting out from something like this.


When I was depressed about this, I went all berzerk and was filled with jealousy to the people who got through. Like I ask myself, "why I'm not them?".  Something like, why did she get straight A's, and I got only 4. Then I realise, I'm not supposed to be them,  I'm not supposed to degrade myself at all. I own myself, I get to choose what my mind thinks, and I should think that, I need focus to be better next time around. That is the MAXIMUM you can do. Don't let failure define you. All it takes is, don't let your mind be clouded by negativity, THAT IS FREAKING ALL.


I'm writing this post because it gives me the feeling of being real to myself. I don't want to show that I'm always trying to radiate confidence in the form of achievements. I want you to know I fail too. You go through this too. Going through failure is confidence. Learn the mistakes and do things differently because, if you do something differently, you'll get a different outcome. I know it's a hard phase to break that depressing wall and become better. Cause sometimes you're scared to try again, let yourself be excited to the next failure instead of being scared. Be fearless. The way I say it may sound like its easy, I know it is NOT! You can read inspirational quotes and stories as much as you want, it helps a whole lot, but in the end know that it is YOU that is stopping YOURSELF to breakthrough whatever you need to overcome. Know that when you breakfree, you are moving towards something BIGGER.

and also, believe in God's plans.


much love,
Pinkdurian