Where you headed to?

Friday, 26 May 2017

issues and my welcome back hello.

Hello blog! HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been wanting to start writing again for quite some time. What stopped me before was my ever-busy university schedules, inner sufferings, and doubts like "other people's blog is so much more fun to read/much more helpful/like who am i to__?/my writing skills is so bland and bad", and did i mention the busy-ness of life! Ive been working on my communication skills, in-class confidence (yes its real, you do need confidence in class to ask questions and because my studio classes are so open, like everyone will see what your experimenting with on the mannequin, sometimes it can get sooo nerve-wracking!), my reading skills (I take longer to finish books nowadays and thats annoying), attempting to restyle myself (I used to use self-style to channel my creativity, it was nothing to do with fashion, clothes were merely acting as my tools, it was faster to dress than to paint, but now since i express my creativity in uni - FULLTIME, that style-box in me rusted>brokedown>died), and in general as what i like to call it getting lost in the maze of my life, really.

I always feel burdened with the fact that the content I aim to put on my blog should be thoughtfully constructed to be understood by anyone's reality whoever wherever they may be. They say "pick your target market, be so good you drive the weak out and own it", thats how it is these days, but i dont want my readers to be just one type, i really want to speak to hearts, have that sincere emotion so everybody can understand, pinkdurian is meant to be universal. Why do you think I chose the word pink?

Its really an exciting time for a woman like me (or Emy! i simply adore this woman), in my early 20's, tasting life, understanding the world at a different level. If you're not in your early twenties yet - then be prepared, if your currently in it - go get it, if this is already your past - warn me of whats yet to come.

Im writing this, because ive been thinking too much, I was on the tube the other day just staring at my reflection on the tube window and I just thought, what is it that I really want to do? Why am I so scared of restarting to write again? Whats holding me back?

I love reading other people's writing, theyre sooo good. It makes me question am I able to write at all. and due to the acceleration of the world, marketing and advertising is on its peak on social media, now we have social media content makers as a professional job! That means, more people on the internet expressing themselves through photos and captions. I became too ignorant to think I could make content any better then any creative out there because I cant even get myself to write. I also feel the world's interest in reading blogs is declining. And the world is quite loud right now, its exhilarating yet exhausting to keep up. Im scared i'll be pressurised so much it turns to hate.

Up until...this happened at 4 am

I was recently so moved by Mark Zuckerberg's commencement address at Harvard

"To keep our society moving forward, we have a generational challenge — to not only create new jobs, but create a renewed sense of purpose......But it’s not enough to have purpose yourself. You have to create a sense of purpose for others.....It’s good to be idealistic. But be prepared to be misunderstood. Anyone working on a big vision will get called crazy, even if you end up right.... JK Rowling got rejected 12 times before publishing Harry Potter. Even Beyonce had to make hundreds of songs to get Halo. The greatest successes come from having the freedom to fail. In our society, we often don’t do big things because we’re so afraid of making mistakes that we ignore all the things wrong today if we do nothing. The reality is, anything we do will have issues in the future.... But that can’t keep us from starting. Ideas don’t come out fully formed. They only become clear as you work on them.
You just have to get started."

So here I am giving this beginning thing a go. Lets give this lost girl a chance.

Friday, 2 December 2016


I had to return all my borrowed books on 3rd of June because my card was going to expire. So today was important. I had a goal. Only one thing on my to-do list, this needed to be done. It was to jot down all the content that i needed, self-notes, inspiring-notes, reminders, words that made me understand 'whats going on' around me, transfer them from book to notebook, for future reference when im back in KL. and i had 10 thick tiny sized font books to go through (again).
(side story, by the time i carried all the books to the table, i could barely write because of giving my hands do 300 push ups)

Note to self: do it straight away the first time.

Thats not really the story. I was lining up to buy coffee at starbucks around the corner of my uni. This place was always busy. I ordered the same caramel machiatto, waited to watch the barista squeeze the caramel drizzle and handing the white cup to me. It took particularly long this time. There was a cup already on the counter and it had the name Mike on it.

To my left, was a white haired old man wearing one of the old-people caps, a flat cap. He too was waiting for his coffee. I gave him a glance and asked umMike?

"oh no, thats not me, mine is not mike, but youve given me a new name"

I just nodded as if what he said to me actually made sense, feeling kind of embarrassed because of both reasons, not having a clue what he's saying and him not being Mike.

His drink arrived 2 seconds before mine. I was able to catch his name, in black marker, scribbled the name: Napoleon. Sort of a human instant reflex thing, I glanced to look at this old man again to check if he looked like a Napoleon dude and he caught me looking.

He let a out an amusing laugh, and i gave a whats-so-funny look. I blurted out N-na-napoleon?

He picked up his coffee, and said to me in a this-is-a-secret kind of tone (it was the cutest), with like eyes popping out serious-you-better-believe-me feature across his face.

Little lady, heres a lesson on life, i never give my real name to anything or anybody! You never know these days what they can do with your name, steal anything. Its so scary. So i never give my real name! Everyday i have to decide on one name to use if i want to order coffee or anything.

(in my head: oh mike makes sense now/ youve got to be joking/ he reminds me of my grandmother) 

So today, you decided to be Napoleon? Thats a good one. 

What did you write on your cup?

NISA. Thats my name.

Oh little lady, thats a very nice name. But dont give your real one!

 I will keep that in mind next time. You have a nice day Napoleon!

You too little lady. be careful!

 Then I turned around to the sugar-packet-stirring station. Suddenly, a voice kind of unexpectedly jumped me from the back.

 Little lady, my name is Andy. Bye-bye now.

(Anisah, 5th June 2016)

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Life and London

Where do I start? I think this post is going to be in the nutshell type and ill write a separate and in depth stories individually, ones about what i learnt/got inspired by or that benefitted me somehow in any way.

London, London, London. 
Back in Malaysia, its not that i didnt give 100% of myself in everything that i do. But the things i face here is incredibly bigger and tougher. I thought A-levels was tough, but being artistic or attempting to be creative has been the biggest thing ive faced.

I search for a bigger mind. A bigger view. A bigger problem to challenge myself.

You know its easy to say i want to give all that i can. I want to be passionate. I want to be a designer. So what? Just chase your dream? Its not that simple, the work is really hard but its not a problem. Everyday my design classes are give-everything-you-have or dont be here.
I was in science stream in high school and a mix of both science and business in college. A whole lot of books and go find answers it was, i was the lazy type who had to put triple the normal amount of study. Trust me i did work hard, i very much understand how hard studies can get.

Here they teach the discipline how of things can be done, like they teach you the skill to life-draw but you have to find your way of drawing, every class outcome is usually a surprise! Everything else, the development of that skill is absolutely up to you. Its like they only give me buckets and shovels, its up to me of how i build my sandcastle, how high i want it, how big, how mystical.
Its very anti-establishment. You have to be hardworking to work hard. They teach to expand your mind and your homework? Is to expand your mind.  Then, leave you to get on with it, can you handle such freedom? Most people need structure etc.

Its indeed great when you can get a different perspective of something. It becomes a ground breaking moment. Back in Malaysia, yes i get acknowledge for thinking from a different perspective. Back then, i thought one different perspective was it. Little did i know, its only a start of something bigger.
Here, im required to think and consider the whole 360 view. Just imagine there are things that have 359 angles i dont agree/like on but i have to push myself to see, change my ways to figure, forget my opinions to understand. This can only be regarding ONE thing. and i usually have 60 things more or less to think about in a normal day. 

Its a whole lot harder when youre in a foreign country. Don't worry there is a good part in this. But being in a foreign country, just saying your name, making your name in a world. A world you just realized got a whole lot bigger, can be frightening. I never wanted to create a "new" me, every year a person's resolution is a "new" me, right? i never wanted that. Im proud of all the mistakes ive made and im not afraid of making them even more. Im not afraid to be nervous in saying where i come from and what i believe in or go infront of class and say out my views outloud. That nervous feeling, thats when i know, that this shit is scary, im nervous because its like a bigger step. My words are trembling infront of my classmates because ive never said "i personally think that.....", but my voice is out. Ive pushed myself. So, that nervousness becomes a symbol of what im doing is right. 
Im pushing myself.

Theres so many things to learn, so many aspects to accentuate. Ive never been so thirsty to be buried in knowledge and dont go thinking "Wat she learn, art paint draw is it", no hahaha. I learn 20s to 90s history - interpret them:  the way the people think and lived, cultures, subcultures, dressing, movies and much more , i want to understand contemporary - modernise, theres just so many many many things, mentally and physically! Fashion is the outcome i chose to express my "art", but before it gets anywhere near to a garment, theres a whole lot more, bigger things that must be taken accounted for. 
I have my fun days like concerts, hanging out but fashion is an EXTREMELY competitive environment and you have to put in the work. Ive had uncountable sleepless nights and to some extent would only live on doritos just because i forget to eat. 

Out of this, I want to become a person that went through so much hardship, i have moments to tell of. A person who really knows how to express something. A person telling you something new. And whatever your learning, know that each person has their own time and way of learning something. Really, everyone's process is different. I do not want to not be strong enough to be confident. But to be strong enough to show you my scars barefaced. Pinkdurian is about expressing and embracing the raw side of you.

In a nutshell of this nutshell, ive been very busy. The choices i make is based only on ME. Always keeping in mind that everything I want to do is not a problem :)

So London? Its difficult in every way but I am loving every damn bit of it.

Friday, 23 October 2015

LFW SNAPS by Abiola Renee

Photos shot by @abiolarenee. When I met her, she just gave me that instant love. 
Abiola, of who she is and what she captures, is one of the reasons why I love London. 
To have met you makes my heart so happy!
Hope you reach GREATER heights! (you got it all goin giiiiirlll!!!!)

Deets: Vintage bomber jacket from a thrift shop / Zara turtleneck / Lovisa necklace / Topshop jeans / Adidas originals brewery pack / Miista backpack

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Dazed x Balmain: Short Video!

Its definitely a non-professional, RAW video. I was very IN the MOMENT.
So heres a short clip of the bits that I had!

Dazed & Confused Magazine x Balmain : THE PROCESS

28th of October: Took my 5 hours to write the caption

I remember scrolling pass the post, I thought to myself "Oh this is so cool! Impossible though but God, i love Balmain", swipes finger. Later that day, my friend, Shakira Said told me to just go for it, you'll never know, maybe its your luck. I finished class at 12.30 and went straight to my uni's IT room to finish up some work.

1.30PM: i am hungry, but lets do the Balmain contest and ill permit myself to leave. So I started brainstorming, I read DAZED's post religiously for more than 3 times atleast just to understand what this contest is all about and wrote down Olivier's quotes that I adore. Then I started to find connections between me and Balmain which lead to making a rough tester. Just to get a headstart and an angle I want to project my answer with.

You know the computer working chair that goes up and down round and round, I just sat in that, swirling and thinking, looking at the words on paper, refining my description of Balmain. I think PRISM was the groundbreaking point. Everything fitted into place from there. It was a constant thinking process till i felt satisfied and an EXACT translation of my thoughts and emotions into words.

I finished by 6.30pm in a proud state. To a point where these were beautiful written words, dont care if I don't win, THIS DESERVES TO BE OUT THERE NEVERTHELESS.


29th of October
Checks the dazed website again, it says they announce on Tuesday right? yessssss..but..they haven't announced. Hmm probably they already have contacted the winner. Still proud of what I put out there. Coolies.

30th of October
At 12pm, class just ended and I was packing my bags, my phone was in my back pocket and it went tiiing! Wasnt in a rush to pull it out or anything but before I put my jacket on, decided to give it a check.

@Dazedmagazine commented: Please check your DMs! x

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP NO NO. THIS CANT BE HAPPENING. I became an instant jelly and I couldnt feel my legs, my bum kissed the floor and there I was on the cold hard ground, shaking. Placed my hand on my mouth to stop a scream from escaping.

After I read the DM I cried. Literally. It was so shocking, too DIFFICULT to process, like exactly how do you tell yourself your flying to paris in less than 12 hours for BALMAIN.


It didnt feel real at ALL. Not a little bit. Called my mum to tell her the news, and to even tell her the news was hard to say because my brain zoned out. These words were unbelievable. It didnt sound real coming from my mouth. It's not real. When nobody was passing in the hallway I just made little jumps of spasm of WHAT WHAT HOLYCRAP WHAT. OMG. OMG
 Called my sister to tell her I'm taking her with me and she calmly replied "I dont understand what your saying but I heard paris so oookay"

I skipped back home from the tube at 4PM, opened my door, and let out caaan youu believeeee were going to parisssss!!!!! She went, what did you win again?  
She stood up put her hands on her head, NO WAY. IT CANT BE, ITS STILL MILAN FASHION WEEK NO.
I went, YES!! and we went into this phase of trying to process the impossible with mini shrieking in between and a constant repetition of the phrase "is this real are u sure this is real".
My sister: wont believe till the tickets are printed out. thats when maybe, i can believe a little. Then we just spent the night choosing our outfits and hyperventilating till we were exhausted.

lots of fullstops, commas, capital letters, deliberately to give you the jumpy short of breath kinda feel
xx Anisah

Dazed & Confused Magazine x Balmain : Paris, The Show & Meeting Olivier Rousteing.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

note to self.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy,
a quickening that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all of time,
this expression is unique.
And if you block it,
it will never exist through any other medium
and it will be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how valuable
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly,
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep yourself open and aware
to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open. …
No artist is pleased.
There is no satisfaction or whatever at any time.
There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes us more alive than the others!!! 

- Martha graham