May 07, 2015

note to self.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy,
a quickening that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all of time,
this expression is unique.
And if you block it,
it will never exist through any other medium
and it will be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how valuable
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly,
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep yourself open and aware
to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open. …
No artist is pleased.
There is no satisfaction or whatever at any time.
There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes us more alive than the others!!! 

- Martha graham

May 02, 2015

Don't be afraid of failure.

Amongst my friends and to some people who have known me for years or have been following me for sometime, may know me that I am capable to do an interview because i do love doing them, or generally a talking kinda thing. It is what Pinkdurian portrays anyway, to be confident and you may assume, I always possess that composure at anything i face. But I legitimately screwed an interview. When I say screw, I mean by I regret every single word, literally feel deep in my heart that I've done better, could not process my thoughts instantly and the answer's I've been preparing could not exit my mouth. Which equals to not having confidence

It was a second phase interview for a university I wanted, not going to go into details. But basically what happened was the worst.
The interviewer, I'll name him Mr. Rick, was just asking basic questions like "what's your ambition", "why you wanna do this course" yada yada. I honestly just froze, I've been preparing for this interview for quite a long time. So during the interview (it was about a one hour interview), I just mumbled words, could not finish a sentence (Like saying bits by bits, not really making sense), not giving a CLEAR definitive answer and as I knew this was going downslope, I broke down slightly suddenly and kept apologising. (YES TEARS IN AN INTERVIEW, now I seem like begging instead of being well composed of myself). But Mr.Rick was like "never say sorry, tears show that this is important to you, it's beautiful to be passionate". I quickly took deep breaths and went on talking about my ambitions and suggested things I want to contribute to the industry and society. Then after the whole emotional shabang, Mr. Rick played pshyco with me, I know he wanted to actually just test me if I stand in what I believe in and if I have individuality, I passed that though (thank God) cause I kept backfiring him, disagreeing with him and being firm with my statement. I got in, but not the course I targeted. Though I have faith in Mr. Rick, Im sure he knows what's best for me.

To this day, I talk to myself saying all the things I should've said. I wish I was kidding but I am not. Practicing over and over again for nothing, for my own satisfaction. Although its crazy. In the shower, laying down on my bed, when I'm alone, I practice giving the answers I was supposed to say. This my friend, is regret. You know if you're depressed you watch a chicflick, go crazy for candy or like go out with friends? This is what I do when I know I wasn't confident.

However, failure give's me excitement for the next failure ill encounter. I know now that the next failure I go through, will be a smaller degree than this. Meaning like, ill face the failure easier. That comforts me a little. And having a short getaway to London and Prague cheered me up and gave me inspiration to keep going. It's hard to accept that you failed at something you were so prepared for. Im not always confident in the moment, but I definitely become even more confident getting out from something like this.

When I was depressed about this, I went all berzerk and was filled with jealousy to the people who got through. Like I ask myself, "why I'm not them?".  Something like, why did she get straight A's, and I got only 4. Then I realise, I'm not supposed to be them,  I'm not supposed to degrade myself at all. I own myself, I get to choose what my mind thinks, and I should think that, I need focus to be better next time around. That is the MAXIMUM you can do. Don't let failure define you. All it takes is, don't let your mind be clouded by negativity, THAT IS FREAKING ALL.

I'm writing this post because it gives me the feeling of being real to myself. I don't want to show that I'm always trying to radiate confidence in the form of achievements. I want you to know I fail too. You go through this too. Going through failure is confidence. Learn the mistakes and do things differently because, if you do something differently, you'll get a different outcome. I know it's a hard phase to break that depressing wall and become better. Cause sometimes you're scared to try again, let yourself be excited to the next failure instead of being scared. Be fearless. The way I say it may sound like its easy, I know it is NOT! You can read inspirational quotes and stories as much as you want, it helps a whole lot, but in the end know that it is YOU that is stopping YOURSELF to breakthrough whatever you need to overcome. Know that when you breakfree, you are moving towards something BIGGER.

and also, believe in God's plans.

much love,