London, London, London.
Back in Malaysia, its not that i didnt give 100% of myself in everything that i do. But the things i face here is incredibly bigger and tougher. I thought A-levels was tough, but being artistic or attempting to be creative has been the biggest thing ive faced.
I search for a bigger mind. A bigger view. A bigger problem to challenge myself.
You know its easy to say i want to give all that i can. I want to be passionate. I want to be a designer. So what? Just chase your dream? Its not that simple, the work is really hard but its not a problem. Everyday my design classes are give-everything-you-have or dont be here.
I was in science stream in high school and a mix of both science and business in college. A whole lot of books and go find answers it was, i was the lazy type who had to put triple the normal amount of study. Trust me i did work hard, i very much understand how hard studies can get.
Here they teach the discipline how of things can be done, like they teach you the skill to life-draw but you have to find your way of drawing, every class outcome is usually a surprise! Everything else, the development of that skill is absolutely up to you. Its like they only give me buckets and shovels, its up to me of how i build my sandcastle, how high i want it, how big, how mystical.
Its very anti-establishment. You have to be hardworking to work hard. They teach to expand your mind and your homework? Is to expand your mind. Then, leave you to get on with it, can you handle such freedom? Most people need structure etc.
Its indeed great when you can get a different perspective of something. It becomes a ground breaking moment. Back in Malaysia, yes i get acknowledge for thinking from a different perspective. Back then, i thought one different perspective was it. Little did i know, its only a start of something bigger.
Here, im required to think and consider the whole 360 view. Just imagine there are things that have 359 angles i dont agree/like on but i have to push myself to see, change my ways to figure, forget my opinions to understand. This can only be regarding ONE thing. and i usually have 60 things more or less to think about in a normal day.
Its a whole lot harder when youre in a foreign country. Don't worry there is a good part in this. But being in a foreign country, just saying your name, making your name in a world. A world you just realized got a whole lot bigger, can be frightening. I never wanted to create a "new" me, every year a person's resolution is a "new" me, right? i never wanted that. Im proud of all the mistakes ive made and im not afraid of making them even more. Im not afraid to be nervous in saying where i come from and what i believe in or go infront of class and say out my views outloud. That nervous feeling, thats when i know, that this shit is scary, im nervous because its like a bigger step. My words are trembling infront of my classmates because ive never said "i personally think that.....", but my voice is out. Ive pushed myself. So, that nervousness becomes a symbol of what im doing is right.
Im pushing myself.
Theres so many things to learn, so many aspects to accentuate. Ive never been so thirsty to be buried in knowledge and dont go thinking "Wat she learn, art paint draw is it", no hahaha. I learn 20s to 90s history - interpret them: the way the people think and lived, cultures, subcultures, dressing, movies and much more , i want to understand contemporary - modernise, theres just so many many many things, mentally and physically! Fashion is the outcome i chose to express my "art", but before it gets anywhere near to a garment, theres a whole lot more, bigger things that must be taken accounted for.
I have my fun days like concerts, hanging out but fashion is an EXTREMELY competitive environment and you have to put in the work. Ive had uncountable sleepless nights and to some extent would only live on doritos just because i forget to eat.
Out of this, I want to become a person that went through so much hardship, i have moments to tell of. A person who really knows how to express something. A person telling you something new. And whatever your learning, know that each person has their own time and way of learning something. Really, everyone's process is different. I do not want to not be strong enough to be confident. But to be strong enough to show you my scars barefaced. Pinkdurian is about expressing and embracing the raw side of you.
In a nutshell of this nutshell, ive been very busy. The choices i make is based only on ME. Always keeping in mind that everything I want to do is not a problem :)
So London? Its difficult in every way but I am loving every damn bit of it.